Partial suicide.

I am not going to let you walk back into my life.

After all I’ve been through—

Months of you ignoring me,

Weeks of edgy insanity,

Days of hoping this’d be saved,

Hours of knowing it’s all too late—

I couldn’t stand seeing you

Just knock your way back in.

You left me hanging on a frail thread,

And I had to save myself from all the voices in my head.

I had to destroy the memories,

Your words,

Your smile,

Your eyes,

The way you looked at me,

The way your lips taste,

The way I’ve fallen in love with you.

I had to destroy them.

But in the process of destroying myself too

Because they became parts of me—of who I am

And obliterating all of them was a partial suicide.

I survived.

But it took me long enough to know I’ll never be whole again.

It took me long enough to realize it’ll never be the same again.

And now you’re here,

With the same bright eyes,

With that same sweet smile,

With the same words that once meant the world to me.

And I shall not put my walls down.

I just really don’t want to anymore.

Because I couldn’t really take a rewind of all

Those hours,

Those days,

Those weeks,

And those months.

And I couldn’t, just couldn’t let you walk back into my life.

Between Adler, Horney, Erikson and Fromm.

I try so hard not to care,

Or even let you cross my mind,

Let your face flash across it.

I try so hard to look past you

When we meet by the hallways.

I look away,

But I still see your face.

It’s caught up in my head.

And I’m beginning to get pissed off with myself.

Because I can’t get you out of it.

Because I can’t wash away what’s been tattooed on it.

I can’t not let you cross my mind.

I can’t not look past you every single time.

But I try.

And I can’t wait for the day

When I can finally sleep and wake up without you messing with my head.

I would tolerate first thoughts of wanting to pee in the morning,

And ecologically meaningful questions as my last thoughts at night.

But not you.

Please, not you.

Because I can’t wait for the day

When I can finally get to look at you,

And feel nothing,
Feel nothing at all.

Excuse the title. I'm in the middle of studying and I just can't get some thoughts out of my head. Kbye.

Maybe, just maybe

Truth be told,

I had no romantically giddy feelings for you.

But lately,

I've been feeding my mind

with a few words that are now spinning in my head,

hitting me bulls-eye,

and electrocuting all of my senses.

I could not reject you now.

No.

It's not that I'm letting you hold on to a frail, paper rope,

Well, maybe.

but wait,

I'm just not so sure yet.

Because I know for a fact that uncritically rejecting someone,

is  just as dangerous as uncritically accepting someone.

And I don't want to rush into a mistake.

So, please brace yourself.

Don't worry.

You have shown your sincerity,

it's time for me to turn on the lights,

give myself a chance to watch you.

Keenly,

Deeply,

Like a sea of beauty

Like the sky above me.

And maybe, just maybe this'll go unplanned,

but maybe, just maybe,

we could give this a chance.

Tried, failed, and lied.

I tried, okay?

I tried to feign smiles

To cover up the agony

To pretend that all those moments with you

Never meant anything to me

I failed, okay?

I failed to save myself

And now I’m here

Stuck in reverse

Stuck in the past

Stuck in a curse

Stuck in a ‘was’

I lied, okay?

I lied when I said I’m fine

That it didn’t even hurt

That it didn’t stab my heart

I tried,

I failed,

So I lied.

08.13.12

12:21 AM