Partial suicide.

I am not going to let you walk back into my life.

After all I’ve been through—

Months of you ignoring me,

Weeks of edgy insanity,

Days of hoping this’d be saved,

Hours of knowing it’s all too late—

I couldn’t stand seeing you

Just knock your way back in.

You left me hanging on a frail thread,

And I had to save myself from all the voices in my head.

I had to destroy the memories,

Your words,

Your smile,

Your eyes,

The way you looked at me,

The way your lips taste,

The way I’ve fallen in love with you.

I had to destroy them.

But in the process of destroying myself too

Because they became parts of me—of who I am

And obliterating all of them was a partial suicide.

I survived.

But it took me long enough to know I’ll never be whole again.

It took me long enough to realize it’ll never be the same again.

And now you’re here,

With the same bright eyes,

With that same sweet smile,

With the same words that once meant the world to me.

And I shall not put my walls down.

I just really don’t want to anymore.

Because I couldn’t really take a rewind of all

Those hours,

Those days,

Those weeks,

And those months.

And I couldn’t, just couldn’t let you walk back into my life.